Inside my mind is a crazy place to be. Be glad you're not privy to the thoughts I have on a daily basis. It's quite scary.
Some (most) days I get so frustrated being a mom that I want to cry. I feel like I am patient, patient, patient...and then I pop. And it's explosive. I curse and I cry and I am so mean to my kids. And then I feel SO guilty and cry again and resolve to be better and try harder and not yell and all that jazz. And then we repeat that every day. For real. It's so hard.
I have told Clint about a thousand times that I want to be the breadwinner. Let him stay home so I can go have a career and feel productive again. Let him deal with the temper tantrums and twenty poopy diapers a day and 14 thousand different meals and kitchen clean ups and homework drama and cat fights and LIFE, while I go have lunch meetings with colleagues and talk to adult people all day.
I actually think these things.
And then the very next second, I imagine leaving my girls every morning and only seeing them for maybe an hour a day. And it literally makes me cry to think about that. I recognize how blessed we are for me to be able to stay home with my girls. To be the one raising them and teaching them every day. I am grateful.
I'm apparently just very hard to please.
I feel like this is how I am with school starting. Totally torn. I am eager to have time to get things done during the day with only two kids at home. I am excited for the "me" time I will get when the two littles take naps and the house is quiet. I'm totally excited! And yet at the same time, I'm totally terrified to send my two babes to school. Knowing how shy and sweet Sage and Charlotte both are really makes me stress about sending them into a big school full of kids and teachers that may not be quite as understanding to their shyness as I am.
I remember the days when I was a teacher. I feel like I was a pretty sympathetic and understanding teacher, but I'm sure I would be even more so now. After having my own kids, it sure makes me think about how I treat other peoples kids. I want my girls to have teachers that genuinely love them and are kind to them and would never say a demeaning word to them. I want them to have friends that are good. I pretty much want to keep them in a bubble and control everything they are subjected to. But that's obviously not happening, and I can only hope and pray that we have taught them well and prepared them for the unknown.
After having blessings, and getting school supplies, and talking-up school till we were blue in the face, the day came. (all too soon)
They were both super excited to pose and model for me.
And then we pulled into the school parking lot and things got a little tense. Sage started to get weepy. Charlotte seemed to be handling it like a champ and was just excited to play. We had a prayer together in the van and then drew hearts on hands so they could remember how much I love them while we were apart, and then we headed out.
Sage stuck right by me, while Charlotte and Emery were wandering way ahead of us.
We took Charlotte first. She seriously took off like it was just another day. Dropped her backpack and went right for the playground. After seeing her off, we went to find Sage's class, which met at a different playground than the kinder kids. At this point, Sage was a mess. She was crying and seemed so scared. I gave her a hug and pretty much left. I wanted to cuddle her and walk her in, but I know Sage and the more I give, the more she wants. Her teacher was wonderful and came to take her from me. She held her hand and stayed with her till it was time to go inside. I spied on both girls back and forth until they went into their classrooms. Charlotte was awesome. Seriously such a cutie with her giant backpack and tennis shoes. Once Sage thought I was gone, she perked right up and seemed just fine.
Part of me cried leaving half of my heart there at the school, and part of me did a happy dance.
They both go from 11-4 every day, so it's nice. Charlotte is in half day K, and I have Sage in what's called the TOPS program, which is just a condensed full day. I did this to avoid driving back and forth to the school 4 times a day, but next year they will both be in full day.
I sure love these two girls. They bring so much joy to our family. Every day since this first day of school, as I drop them off and they walk to the playground like big ole kids and not the little 5 and 6 year old girls that they are, I get nervous. I feel like I will be nervous every day dropping them off. I pray so hard that they will have a happy day and continue to be good and make good choices and not be subjected to bad things.
