This post won't be a happy or positive one. To say the least.
I feel like I need to let out some of the anger that is boiling and ready to explode just beneath the surface of my skin. I'm not angry at anyone in particular. Just angry. This pregnancy has really thrown me for a loop. Physically, I feel great. In that regard, this has been the most comfortable pregnancy of all of them. But emotionally and mentally? Let's just say I have feared for the lives of my husband and children on pretty much a regular basis.
If my sweet, innocent children can walk away from this pregnancy remembering nothing, it will be a true miracle. If their little minds could somehow be erased of the past several months, I would pay whatever the price to make that happen. I have had more meltdowns than ever before. I cry about four times a day, over the tiniest things. I swear like a sailor, very loudly. For some reason I can't help but let loose some of the most awful words out there. I yell at my kids. A lot. I have zero patience. I have lifted my poor girls up over my head and literally dropped them. On purpose. And it's like the normal Marianne is watching what the crazy Marianne is doing, cringing and wondering what on Earth she's doing. But crazy Marianne just does it, over and over again. And after each episode, I bawl and feel so bad and pray for help and swear I'm going to do better and be better and try harder. And usually about three minutes after that, I'm crazy again. I am on an emotional roller coaster that I have never experienced before. I'm not exaggerating or trying to be funny or anything of the sort. My biggest fear lately is that even after this kid comes, I won't go back to normal. I'll still be this raging lunatic who has horrible, horrible thoughts about running away and never looking back. I know my lack of sleep is contributing to these awful days, but there's nothing I can do about it. Most nights I sleep for about an hour, but last week I went four days without sleeping at all. Pills don't work on me and even after my heartburn goes away and my RLS goes away, my mind is on overdrive and I just can't relax enough to fall asleep. I think I have put on a fairly good front in public, but within the walls of my own home I am such a mess I don't even recognize myself. Most days I take a lot of my frustrations out on Clint. He is gone from
3:30 every morning until somewhere between 6-7 every night, and on the
weekends he is too tired to do anything other than take a nap. I feel
like a single mom. I'm ready for him to have a new job, in a major
way. I feel like while he tries to understand, he doesn't. At all. And we all know my husband is not much of a talker. I have to PRY things out of him, and BEG him to communicate with me. So when I'm already totally emotional and barely hanging on by a thread, it's a real pain in the ass trying to get some support from him. Another of my biggest fears is that I will get pregnant again. This HAS to be my last baby. I will always be baby hungry and want more kids, but I know in my heart that I am done and cannot do this again. Clint does not want me to get my tubes tied, but I got pregnant with Charlotte while on birth control. So the fear is very real, and I know I would not survive another pregnancy. That may sound a tad on the dramatic side, but it is the truth. I refuse to subject my girls to this again. Sage is absolutely old enough to remember my behavior. I hate the way I talk to them. I hate how severe I sound towards them. I hate how fast I loose my temper with them. And I hate feeling like I'm not in control of myself or my attitude. I pray and read and study and try to lean on my Heavenly Father, but I feel like I'm coming up extremely short in all areas of life right now. I seriously hope this is all just part of the hormones raging inside of me and that I will be able to get back to my normal self in a few weeks.
I had my 38 week check up today and there is NOTHING going on down South, so I'm bummed about that. I am scheduled to be induced on the 21st, but if I am still not progressing on Monday at my check up then I am going to cancel the induction. Since it's au-natural, I know the pain will be worse and the labor will be longer if I start at a zero and am stuck in a hospital bed through the whole thing. Anyways. It cannot come soon enough.
And yes, I know there is always a silver lining and I know I'm super blessed to be able to carry children and have a family. I know this. Really, I do.
August 2026
4 weeks ago
7 comments:
Marianne I'm so sorry. I had post partum issues after Arden was born and it was extremely difficult. While I did laugh out loud at the part about you picking up your kids and dropping them, I really know its a serious thing and such a struggle! Maybe talk to your dr about getting in some happy pills. If I had it to do over (or if I even knew it was ppd!) I totally would have. From what I hear they really help and make a difference. Good luck with everything!!! Hugs to you, friend!
Have you named baby girl yet?
Im so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. I had with Colton. I had to stop at two kids, bless you for having 4. The reason I stopped was b/c it lasted until Colton was 6 months, Even though he is 2 I still remember what the feelings were and it scares me. I didn't get on any meds, b/c I wanted to try other things. The only thing that helped me was literally going to the temple every week. Blake and I agreed on a weeknight and as soon as he got home I was on my own outside of the house for the night. I would go to the temple and then to get a pedi, dinner, or just walk around a store. I will keep you in my prayers for sure. I wish I was closer to help.
You can make it. I know it seems horrible now, but it will pass. With Eleanor I was horrible towards the girls too. It will get better, and thankfully kids are more forgiving than us. As for stopping at four, we did get my tubes tied. I still felt like it was time to get pregnant again two years after Eleanor, but there was no way my body could take another pregnancy. Now they are getting bigger, and they can do so much more. They are really getting fun to do things with.
Oh Marianne, I'm so sorry :( I agree with the comment about happy pills...have you talked to your Dr about how you've been feeling? Don't be so hard on yourself...obviously this isn't who you really are and its not who you want to be, but like you said, its out of your control right now. I myself have been way more hormonal and moody with this pregnancy than I ever have been in my whole life or than I was when pregnant with madden and sometimes when I get that way, its like I'm totally conscious and aware of the fact that I am being a total Beeotch but I still can't stop myself. The good thing about your girls is they are little and they forgive and forget so easily. And when you are feeling better, Clint will just be so happy to have his wife back that he will forget all about it too :) I will keep you in my prayers...and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you! Miss you and love you!
I understand. Been there, done that. I didn't understand hormones or much of anything about "emotional issues" then, but I've learned a lot in the past few years! You will be back to your normal self in time, but until then, let me give you a hand. I'm better able to do that now that I've got a new work schedule! I'll be talking to you soon!
I was laughing out loud at the beginning of this post with you dropping your kids & all. At least your not drop kicking them, right? So it stinks you feel this way! I totally respect you women who have more than 3 kids because I'm at my wits end daily. Wish we lived closer. We'd have some good times venting:)
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